Henry Freytag ‘24
The Mane News has neglected a crucial aspect of student life at St. Andrew’s for far too long—romance. We’ve all found ourselves in strange, new, and often confusing situations over the affairs of the heart. Right now, some of you are pining over unrequited love, trapped in a love octagon, or maybe fighting with a significant other. These are very difficult problems to deal with on your own, so the Mane News has pioneered our own romantic advice column. You can write to our panel of three expert advisors using the QR code below, and we will select responses to be published in the “Editorials” section of the website and the next issue!
(https://manenews.com/category/editorials/)
Our first advisor is Senior Josh Cohen. He has a 4.67 GPA and boasts talents that encompass organ playing, linear algebra, and sound mixing. Even though he has dated “a grand total of zero” people, he is “absolutely not” qualified to answer your questions! Let’s look at a brief excerpt from our interview with Josh:
Henry: What is the formula for the perfect relationship?
Josh: 4x+y=1
Henry: And where did you come up with that equation?
Josh: It is the girlfriend equation from Linear Algebra. We have not been able to prove it though.
Now let’s go to Senior Cole Cohen, a hockey and baseball player as well as a self described amateur pianist. He does not have a 4.67 GPA, but according to Cole, he does moonlight as a professional Borat impersonator.
Henry: Cole, do you think yourself qualified to give relationship advice?
Cole: I do, because I think that whatever I think is right, but is probably not right, but I can say it anyway…
Moving right along, Cole believes that the secret to the perfect relationship is to be “respectful, but that should be a given.” His answer to perhaps the biggest question of all—how to find love for the winter—is “Italian food,” which makes sense on many levels.
Henry: How do you ask out your crush?
Cole: American sign language.
Henry: How do couples reignite the spark in their relationship?
Cole: Lighter fluid.
While Cohen may be delightful, we need someone to straighten everything out. Here is our final romantic advisor, senior Rebecca Piercey. She is talented at “baking, lighting technology and design, coiling cables, and being pretty.” From watching quite a few rom coms, she knows that the formula for the perfect relationship is less mathematical and more along the lines of “Honesty, respect, and a willingness to not give up the second things get rough. Also flowers.” Our final question:
Henry: How does one deal with unrequited love?
Rebecca: You can either choose to live with the love knowing that they’ll probably never feel the same way, or you can get over it. I’m not saying that people’s feelings never change, but the second that you start feeling like Meredith Grey with “pick me, love me” you’re making an active effort to choose someone who wouldn’t choose you.